My life in a nutshell. People who are average-sized, thin, not-morbidly obese don’t realize how much larger people have to think about their size and shape when trying to fit in (no pun intended) to social situations. I routinely find myself thinking about these things, feeling guilty about how much space I occupy, etc.
My point is think before you call someone “fat” or “huge.” Chances are they already know.
The first frame I can identify with so well. Even now my old habits die hard and I’m trying to recondition myself, but getting used to my body when it is sat down is proving harder than I originally thought. My fat changes itself when I sit down and I instantly look much larger, I’m not upset about this but somewhere deep in me I’m still conditioned to be afraid that I will “look fat” like this, so I cross my arms over myself, or put my bag and coat over my lap to hide the stomach rolls. Coming to terms with my body from all angles and positions will be a long process for sure as I have to go through the acceptance phases for each one.
Honestly, I still sometimes think it is just me who does this stuff and that it’s my own problem. Even with Fat Acceptance and everything I get involved in, it is so hard not to internalize these things and feel like there must be something wrong with me.
The bus thing. Totally. Like you said, I sometimes feel *bad* about how much space I take up. WHICH IS ABSURD. I take up the amount of space of a person. A person exactly my size. That is completely valid.
I definitely think that every time people are laughing anywhere in my vicinity they are laughing at me/my fatness/my audacity to wear the clothes I wear considering my fatness. And I am incredibly relieved to learn that this is not just me.
I’ve gotten over a little of the eating in front of people thing, though I have a really hard time accepting food that is offered to me. As if people offer me food to trap me into revealing what a fattie I am…or something.
And yes, I have been told by so-called friends that I would be prettier if I lost “just a few pounds.” Fuck that. I can be really pretty when I want to, and losing just a few pounds would do pretty much zilch to my physical appearance.
In one of my classes today, we have the chairs with the tiny little writing surface attached to one side, and I find them pretty uncomfortable to sit in because my butt is so large that I have pretty much no space between myself and my laptop to get a good angle for typing. In this room there are, however, a few slightly larger chairs of a similar design, which I find more comfortable. Yet, for some reason, today I felt awkward about going for that chair because I was actually afraid it would point out my fatness if I took the “big” chair, so I sat in an uncomfortable chair instead.
Which is SO stupid because it’s my super feminist class where I TALK ABOUT my experiences as a “plus-size” woman like it’s NBD. So why the fuck do I care what chair I sit in?
I hate internalized fatphobia so much and I wish it was easier to scour it out of me. It’s a slow process but I’m working my way there.
Reblogging for commentary.
I actually identify with this very strongly. I thought like this CONSTANTLY before I got into FA. I still find myself thinking these things time to time, and have to stop myself and recondition the thought as well. It’s a process. Specially when you are in a world that, for the most part, doesn’t see bodies the way you do. I’m always reminding myself and others that all bodies are good bodies. No one should feel bad about the space they take up or how they treat their body. It’s yours. You should love it. I would by lying if I wasn’t aware that others don’t feel that way, though. Or that a lot of chairs, desks, etc aren’t made for my body. I try to not get embarrassed. You’re right. There’s no reason to. It does make me very aware. I just fight through it every day.
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